Hi. This is me again, your favorite on-and-off blogger.
I could never deal well with failures. I regard myself as an ambitious (even if some of you might not know that) and I always set a target for myself. Failures, they tend to knock me down. Hard.
These last two days were rough for me. On top of having a very busy and tiring week, a couple of bad news cut down my last strings of positivity. First, about DEMA (Dewan Mahasiswa). There was this interview thing, to select those who want to join a DEMA internship. I didn’t make the cut. Honestly, it was quite shocking for me, because I never would’ve expect myself to fail on this. It’s not like I’m the best candidate for that or anything, far from that, it’s just that I had quite long list of organizational experiences, and I felt like I did my interview well. So failing sucks, especially after finding out that all my friends were admitted. Being kicked out of a freaking internship feels pretty pathetic to me. It’s not even the real thing yet and I’m already failing (Wahaha?).
I really, really, really wanted to join DEMA, so, yeah. Sucks. Telling you that again to emphasize how that sucked.
Second, it’s MUN. Even before I even got admitted in IR UGM, I’ve planned to be a part of a MUN community. The first time I became an MUN delegate, I knew that this is what I’d like to do. So I prepared myself, studied my ass off. To be honest, I didn’t expect myself to be admitted in the first place. I know that so many talented, intelligent people were registering, and I know my place—and selft-doubt has been my best friend for so long. However, of-goddamn-course, I still harbor my hopes. So it feels like a slap in the face that my efforts were still not enough.
I know that those two bad-news sound so simple, so insignificant. Maybe some of you would say that I’m being dramatic and more-or-less bitchy. Some would say that those failures are not the end of the world. Well, it’s not the end of the world. But here’s the thing:
I think the hardest part is not the fact of being rejected by those two, but the implications. The feeling of being not good enough, of being inferior. The feeling of not being able to put myself in a category where I’m good at. The feeling of setting goals only to see them all uncompleted. Those have put me in what I consider as my lowest point so far. As a new-university-student, I, probably like everyone else, am trying to find a justification to confirm that this is what I’m destined to do. And trying to find a place, a group, where I can belong and pour my heart and soul into. And for me, failing those two things is equal to not being able to find that certain place.
Also, I like to make plans. I like to know how I will spend my time in the next hours, days, and months. I planned to join this and that, so I can prioritize my activities. Failing two of my plans just messes up the big picture, and I hate it. I feel like losing control of the directions I’m going, feeling like running blind.
So I spent the last two days constantly in a state of being close to tears. The smallest things could trigger my emotions, and funnily enough, that surprised me because I’m not a sentimental person and can usually control my emotions. Ha-ha, surprise, surprise. I know that I should let go and focus on the happier things (like makrab, which was happening that time), but as a cynical little shit, my mind is a dark palace.
This post already feels depressing and dark, much like myself, so now we’re stepping into the light at the end of the tunnel:
But amidst of those sadness and self-hate, I have some great friends who helped me crawl through. They reminded me to be positive (as hard as it might be), and always be grateful of what I have and who I am right now. I really can’t imagine how harder it is to cope with all these without their presence in my life. And I’m so, so, grateful that I had the chance to meet them here in this college jungle. Being far from family, from home, from familiarity, can take a toll on someone. And these people are my sense of comfort, my support system, as some call it. Here they are, my weird new surrogate family:
|thanks for the hugs, guys|
|i should be the one thanking, tbh|
|its hard for me to see myself in a positive light, but thanks!<3|
|will do! (idk who sent this actually)|
For those who are currently dealing with rough times, I suggest that you do the things that make you happy. Deal with it the way you are comfortable with. Surround yourself with people (or things) that bring you positive vibes. Hang out with your friends. Listen to guilty-pleasure songs. Watch impossible, unrealistic romantic comedies. It’s okay not to feel okay, for a while at least. Then you gotta face the music and face the upcoming days head on, chin up. Please know that we all can push through the haze of self-deprecation that destroys ourselves.
Spreading some punk rock love! <3
(I kinda feel proud of myself to be able to finish writing this HUEHEHUE.)
OH, last thing! Please take your time to read this amazing post. I cried raw tears when I first read it, ‘cause it hits home. I don’t usually like motivational things but this one….it just rings true. It’s written by my senior in college, btw.